Enjoy!

Can’t you tell what I’m snacking on at the moment?
I LOVE seaweed.  Nom nom.

Anyway, I hope everyone’s Christmas (or holiday) was awesome.  My Christmas was nothing but a huge roller coaster ride with a nice Final Destinationesque crash.  To drag on the simile, I happened to survive the crash with mere cuts and bruises, leaving the gurney with a smile and laugh.

Not gonna get into details.

Anyway, I’ve finally moved out of my apartment amongst many other things.  Christmas is usually a time (into the New Year) where people tend to the change — people wake up and they have some epiphany about themselves, ambitions rise with heavy falls for the better or the good.  But things are always changing and renewing, and it’s refreshing.  I love watching change and growth, it keeps things exciting and interesting.

A lot of things are happening around me and people are saying a plenty… and a lot of things are happening to people I used to be close to.  I can’t help but feeling my heart strings being tugged rendering me speechless.  The feeling of not being able to forgive or trust is starting to lift.  It’s a scary thought.  When I feel that’s not a “waste of time”, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  But, I suppose that I’ve had such a stressful two years, I never had the time to sit back in my own haven just to contemplate.

The idea of myself—my life, my lifestyle, my future—has become by the day more and more important than ever.  I am nervous, but I’m sure I’m headed in the right direction.

It doesn’t show signs of stopping,
And I’ve bought some corn for popping,
The lights are turned way down low,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight,
How I’ll hate going out in the storm!
But if you’ll really hold me tight,
All the way home I’ll be warm.

The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we’re still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

So, upon signing on since my last post after forgetting that WordPress was going to have a cosmetic make-over, I got completely lost on the site.  Everybody seems to be going for the WYSIWYG-ish 2.0 UI web app look—basically, everything is customizable and very elastic: windows can be moved around, tabs galore, simple color scheme, easy on the eyes… yet can be a little over-whelming at the same time.  (Facebook, MySpace, etc, are going WYSIWYG).

I suppose I like it.  It feels wider, less cluttered, and less suffocating.

So what’s the haps in Kim’s universe?  Well, life is pretty difficult.  I would confidently have to say this is the worse situation I ever been through in the history of being out on my own.  I mean, it doesn’t even feel like the holidays.  It’s lonely, dark, dreary… and nerve-wrenching.  It’s frustrating.

I didn’t see my family on Thanksgiving because, like normally, things are awkward.  I was tired of my holidays being ruined over spilled milk and I decided to give myself some space.  I have no idea what I’m doing for Christmas either.  Probably just show up and cross my fingers that things will be fine, hoping that my parents don’t fight… again.  I’m tired of pretending like everything will be okay in that aspect.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m getting caught in the middle.

I’ve made a couple of mindful long-term goals in the past couple of weeks:

[1]  Finishing school.  Decided on an art school.  Possibly transfer or go directly there.
               School of choice:  AI of Orange // Work towards getting my Bachelors of Science in Media Art and work towards my Masters if possible.
[2]  Find a worthy job/career… decision being that I will never work in the medical field.
[3]  Somewhere before [1], move out of this hell hole I used to call ‘home’. 

Times are just tough.  Period.
And, I need a blue moon… the drink

… By the way, have any of you see the live-action Dragonball movie trailer?
I’m too ashamed to be posting it in my blog.

Oh, I watch the Dark Knight again last week.  Pre-street rentals are awesome.
I love Heath and Christian.  I believe they are the only actors swoon me.
OH…  Can’t forget ol’ Zachary.

Hey, I like the bad boys.

Anyway… onto interesting things… going on TV.

He looks like a noodle cart guy, yeah? … Yeah.

If I haven’t mentioned before, I personally know someone who is on the current season of Survivor.  His name’s Ken Hoang.  Not necessarily a friend, but I have “worked” with him before when I was running tournaments for my business Nexus Gaming.  What I mean by worked is that he’s a professional gamer who actually attended every tournament of mine except for the last because… well, he was in Africa.  NO ONE knew of course until it was announced

Anyway, I’m pretty glued to this season because it’s just interesting to watch, although I’m not a huge fan of reality TV.  I never diligently watched Survivor either, except for Heroes and a few others.

So, Ken, the “King of Smash”, has cleverly schemed for 3 people to get booted and did a damn good job doing it.  Before he was like some wallflower who people really saw as a weak-link or a threat.  Now, all of a sudden he’s playing the game hard.

But, yes, I would like to share that I’m highly entertained by this season.

As people (at least the people I know) strive on competition.  Their own success is fed by the competition around them—meaning that it’s up to just how successful their friends and acquaintances are.  Survival of the fittest maybe…  They can’t stand the idea of being “left behind” in their lives while everyone else wants to move forward and eventually does, with or without them.  Unfortunately, friend or not, when it comes down to happiness and needs, people tend to get a little selfish.

I’ll admit that right now I’m pretty selfish with my life.  There’s so many things going on —

[[ I just reported some stupid kids messing around in the clubhouse to the leasing office.  They're still here. ]]

Anyway… there’s just so many things going on in my life to where I can seriously say “f*ck it” and walk out of my apartment with my things in hand, to never turn back again.  There’s no one (except for the obvious) in that apartment that I can’t live without.  I would prefer the constructive criticism to make me a better person.  I would definitely prefer people who cared about their lives.

I don’t want to hear anyone ever tell me again that “there’s not point of being happy if you’re just gonna die.”  I don’t anybody to tell me that because I’m stressed out that I need to get my priorities straight when they need to speak for themselves and get a damn job.

I’m tired of seeing people, friends alike, take their lives for granted along with the people who want to do nothing else but help them.  If you don’t want to be helped then fine, but don’t kick up a loud fuss about it.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Seriously. 

Oh… video games.  I can’t ever say enough about video games.  I, myself, am a gamer, but I refuse to let it take over my life and keeping me from doing things I need to do.   So when I see my roommates get consumed by the things that don’t mean anything… I dunno, maybe it’s not my business.

[[ The kids I just reported are NOW in the café being irritating... and they're actually mocking me. Where the hell are their parents? ]]

[[ Great... they're in the gym next door kicking around the exercise ball... again. =_+ ]]

If you can’t already tell, I’m having a clash of personalities in my “personal space” at home and things have seemingly “crossed the line”.  I miss being as naive and ignorant as I used to be, because I most likely wouldn’t tend to see these things in people.

The people I call “friends” aren’t people that I can see at my wedding, can’t see spending time with me on my birthday… I mean, for crying out loud they don’t even know my middle name.  Funny thing is: they expect things of you, but they’re never going to tell you this.  You should already just know what they want and who they are, and how they wants things on top of it all.

So, what “friends” really?  I haven’t exactly make my own family yet.
Haven’t exactly met the right people either.

Maybe I’m being a bit judgmental.  I really don’t care.
I’ve given my inches when people just want the whole damn mile.
Look at me doing yoga for you, bending over backwards. 

I suck at trusting people, but you know what?  People have to earn their way with talking to me.  With that effort, I put in mine equally.  The worst way to start out is saying that I’m hard to talk to.  Or ever worse, coming into a conversation with the attitude that you think you know everything about me.

There’s a wall there, trust me.

Another thing… don’t judge my relationship.
Because I will seriously prove you wrong.

Zachary Quinto as Spock

Thanks to Patrick for the picture, LOL.

What happened to Sybrows?  They’re so trimmed and … anti-bushbrows.
But I must say that he fits the part very very damn well.
Gawd, this picture is so airbrushed.  Photoshop ftw?
Whatever he looks good. \\Vulcan///

I’m excited. ^_^

/// pew-pew laser ///

Anyway, I’m at the clubhouse café right now trying to get some work done.  One more minute in my apartment, someone’s getting decapitated by my fingernails. (Run-on sentence?  Yeah).

I’m kinda at the break in my life where you would feel like everything sucks and the best you can do is fix whatever you think you need to fix and try not to take things too hard.  Short and simple: growing thicker skin.  I’ve been pretty thin-skinned lately and I think it’s because I haven’t had my breathing space and mental support that I’ve needed.

Motivation is hard sometimes.

For once, I would like a pat on the back for the things I’ve done right and the hard work I’ve done and been doing.  I mean, don’t praise me, but just acknowledge it.  I’m not a perfect person and I definitely don’t think I’m better than anyone else.  But, I really need some slack.

Am I begging for it?  Maybe.  Am I looking for it?  Possibly.
I shouldn’t need to.

So the stress is at a pretty high level but I’m trying to cope.  If it takes hanging around and doing work at the café or elsewhere, so be it.  I am so sick and tired of these little things.  However, I can’t really “handle it” if I wake up to it every morning.  I don’t think anyone truly understands that.

It’s really like “Hello, Kim.  Here’s a problem to have on your shoulders.  You gotta wake up to it every morning, see every time you’re home, and see it before you get to bed.  At the same time, you gotta be a good girl and not let the daily PMS kick in.”

That’s like asking me to not have any personality.
Or just asking me to not be human. 

I seriously wished my brain had an OFF/ON switch.
Preferably, I would like an emergency shutdown system.

((By the way, I swear I’ve had two cups of tea and two cups of coffee, and a few cups of water in the past two hours.  I’m caffeinated.))

I’m just gonna throw this out there because I have the freedom to… regardless of consequence.
Why do only 3 out of 5 people in our apartment have jobs?

Yeah… None of my business really, but it’s seriously ridiculous.

And, wanna throw something else out too:
Get over it.  It’s just a f*cking game.
Grow up.

Anyway, here are some pictures for random happiness… Enjoi.

(I realize that some of the pictures duplicated from some glitch.. but I don’t feel like fixing it. Lol)

A typical twenty-something’s whine, right?
Right-o.

So, as of right now, there’s a “dead” man on my living room floor;  I’m starving as I wait for emails from my client; finishing up my resumé… I seriously just want to klonk out.

Well, I’ve had a somewhat proactive week (although just following after a shitty weekend).  I’m finally making routine trips to the gym and all that jazz.  Of course, I’m working and and in the midst on getting another job, which will most-likely be on-call or part-time just to make life more monetarily stable.

And… I’m gonna go work some more!